Householding · ·

On holding my house

I place myself. I place him. The house changes when I do.

On holding my house
Photo by Nicolas Cool / Unsplash

What I did
I blamed him for everything.
If the car failed, it was his fault.
If the dishwasher refused to work, he had touched it.
My mind already finished the sentence: “See? Typical.”

What happened
Nothing got better.
He did not change.
The house stayed the same.
All I got was distance.
Quiet distance.
Resigned distance.

What I noticed
He did not fight me.
He stayed.
He fixed things.
He worked.
He orbited me anyway.

He still called me Wife.
The title landed like an anchor even when I stood on shore with my arms crossed.

What I tried instead
I stopped blaming.
I placed myself.
I moved into peace. Clarity. Love.

My new recipe
When something breaks I breathe.

When I want to be right I ask: Do I want to be right or connected?

When he says Wife,
I hear it as my status,
his loyalty,
his obedience.

Result
He behaves the same.
He forgets things the same.

I do not become the angry queen of a crumbling kingdom.
I become the matriarch of a house I hold.
because I hold myself.

Final note
He does not change.
I do.
I step out of blame and into placement.

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Householding ·

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On Brazilian waxing, nights until dawn, high-voltage batteries and milkshakes by the Loire.