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On holding my house

I place myself. I place him. The house changes when I do.

By Lai Yin
On holding my house
Photo by 五玄土 ORIENTO
Published:

What I did

I blamed him for everything.
If the car failed, it was his fault.
If the dishwasher refused to work, he had touched it.
My mind already finished the sentence: “See? Typical.”

What happened

Nothing got better.
He did not change.
The house stayed the same.
All I got was distance.
Quiet distance.
Resigned distance.

What I noticed

He did not fight me.
He stayed.
He fixed things.
He worked.
He called me Wife.
The title landed like an anchor even when I stood on shore with my arms crossed.
He stayed in orbit.

What I tried instead

I stopped blaming.
I placed myself.
I moved into peace. Clarity. Love.

My new recipe

When something breaks I breathe.
When I want to be right I ask, Do I want to be right or connected?

When he says Wife,
I hear it as my status,
his loyalty,
his obedience.

Result

He behaves the same.
He forgets things the same.

I do not become the angry queen of a crumbling kingdom.
I become the matriarch of a house I hold.
because I hold myself.
My husband returns.

Final note

He does not change.
My occurring shifts.
I step out of blame and into placement.

Lai Yin

Lai Yin

She writes about marriage, motherhood, somatic Placement, and power. She lives in Europe with her husband and their three daughters.

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